yes, indeed i do have a major problem of articulating things.although it is a persisting issue I never tend to give it much attention, just until now. so this entry would be a challenge and here it goes!

yesterday,  6 in the morning, when everyone of my age is still digging up their roots to their beds, i went straight to the office and ahead of my typical waking time (which is 4 in the morning, by the way. beat that!hehehe) to render rest day overtime. again, out of good luck, it is still unavailable. eventhough the wang wangs are still turning their red lights sporatecally on. these usually indicates that mandatory overtime is still ongoing.

without anything else reserve to do. i tried exhausting myself thinking of doing what to do. i even thought of paying friends outside Manila a visit. visualing going to Bulacan with a big sign "THANK YOU! You are now leaving the National Capital Region! please come again."

and then "WELCOME to BULACAN, CAVITE or RIZAL" perhaps. since they are still in semestral break. now, i just missed being a fulltime student. crap!

anyway back to the story. i gave det a call. asking her where she is? suprisingly, the not-so-ever available swift fawn is at work and in the same building; and actually invited me for breakfast. i repeat, inviting me for breakfast which is so unusual of her at present.
so we went to DISH, since pantejo is still closed and det is quite savy of not going to the nearby carenderi(AH!) (where all the taxi and jeepny as well as ABSCBN stars(?) eat) i suggested. oh yes, its sosyal! if you're not nagpapaka-sosyal!

luckily, Hannalili penguin-style Callora is also there with her yellow pages team(hehehe, just kidding hanna!). think of slowly moving penguin and walrus in a chase , isn't that exciting? RUN mr.penguin RUN!

we immediately dive into our intellectual batony! talking about politics, our depressing situation here in Manila, Beautiful Thing; the film she borrowed from me (making her cry. instead of making her giggle---weird!), and our lovelives(???huh???). during the conversation, when she is telling stories of plans and her romantic tales. she fantasize a moment where she would invite this person to a dance. no music. just graceful movement of both of them dancing and embracing while everybody is actually staring at them. and that would be her farewell dance, for her to be able to move on: i titled the scene, Brave Dancing. based from this song i've heard, a year ago. although i forgot the singer.

and then, up in the sky a big asteroid fell on my head!making me realized that for the first time ever, my mind was just clear and empty BLANK! totally blank. nah...nada..wizz!awan, nothing, ala, WALA, empty and null...

there is not a single thing i could share. not a single word i could utter. not even a person that i could visualize in every romantic tale she is telling. all i could do is smile and pretend i could relate. now, i was troubled. i sighed(---a clear indication of frustrations and desperations!). searching for a life i used to have. then, i found nothing. it is just me thinking of thinking of something.

i tried asking myself, What happened?

...

i can't even answer this two-word question. am i not developing? am i living a stagnant life, then? there are too many depressing questions running on my head that time. why can't i think of something to share with to det? or to rich perhaps the other day?where we just took a mochacinno chiller in SM north edsa, bought some fabrics (for my project!) and went to watch WORLD TRADE CENTER.

my most-feared-in-life-thing happened. living a routinely, mechanic and stagnant life! waking up in the morning, going to work, answer calls, go to school, recite, read books and cases, sleep(optional), take a bath(optional too, just kidding. you could not do that here in Manila. it is not actually 'hippie and cool' compare to Baguio! it would be your tremendous lost, believe me!) and then go to work again. running around the same circle.

moreover, that even i try to go to different places, meet different people and do things i long-dream of doing. there is always a space to be filled in. a gap that needs to be answered. this line is actually cliche, i know. but the thing is, it is occuring to everyone that is why it is being tagged as cliche. and anyone who tends to take the other way, is 'being' pathetic. hehehe.

from this, a greater challenge awaits and that is to make more challenges.

well wish me luck. crossing my fingers and fingertoes as i usually say it on the floor.
just scared of the idea of the possible things i could do extending myself to my limits...hmmm.

*excited*

hehehe

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this is actually extraordinare

try it!!!

kudos to the creator!

naroon muli sa dalampasigan, ang batong lumuluha sa bituin umaawit ng pampahimbing habang nangungulila sa dilim. akay-akay ang samyo ng nakaraan sa indayog ng kanyang malumanay na hikbi habang nakikipagtalik sa walang hanggang paghihintay, sa di dumadating na katiyakan.

mabibiyak, ngunit hanggang kailan?

for the past days now, it is really raining hard every afternoon. moreover, the unusual size of our office's window let me see how gloomy the world outside could be at this moment.
it made me think. it made me remember, nostagically. in which, i really hate doing, now.
but what can i do? once again, i have been defeated by the mere though of just remembering.
 
the mixture of struggling color of high afternoon sun and dark gloomy rainclouds is a heavy scenery. so heavy, that it could make me cry even just for a minute looking into it. for some reasons, nobody knows.
 
last friday, i was with borgy. it's been a while since we saw each other. so despite the hectic schedule, not to mention, its pay day. i've decided to meet him up. just to know he has his own heavy baggages at that time.
just like me, like we always did. we tend to pretend that everything is fine. and nothing is happening that we cannot handle. until he came up with a question,"do you still feel sad when it is raining?".
frankly speaking, i almost burst into tears during that time because there is a mild rain shower during that time(at the back of gateway, Cubao). thank goodness, the place was warmly litted by modern type postlights that gave a new image to the Cubao, I used to know when i was a kid and from the literary pages, i used to read(tony perez, for the big influence!).
well, the point is i did not. but i answered him in a mellow voice covered with a forced smile. Yes, i still am.
he then asked me "why?".
i paused, and tried to look for answers that i usually could find in my box whenever he ask me questions.
probably, that would be the hardest question, he had asked of me for the past five years we knew each other.
but as usual, i pretended that i do have an answer. but the safest answer, i could give was, "BASTA!". then, i immediately skipped the topic. not knowing, the next topic would lead us to a graver issue, that i chose not to tell.
 
alas! that i have won in convincing borg to watch "pagdadalaga ni maximo oliveros" after i accompanied him for the past days in watching the basketball championship between our current college against a college that if not for that tournament, i never knew that it was actually existing.
but on my own despair again, i failed to escaped the thought of nostalgia. but mind you, the film was great. i enjoyed like most of the films i used to watch before just check for my movie listings.
the film tackled the life of a boy growing up as gay. but despite his family being known to be "brusko, macho, hoodlums etc." the feeble and perfect image of a stereotypical male. hence, despite these, his father and his two brothers accepted him and became open to the idea of this things as normal and inevitable. no homosexual sex scenes were involved making it not the typical gay movies we usually had. probably, the start of the transgression of gay and lesbian movies to another phase.

one thing, i love about the boy's character was he tend to have move every character's life with him living and relating in silence; in tears. he shed a tear that made everyone cried. he rest his head in his arm that made the whole movie and movie house calm.
 
thinking that i wish i could also do the same, without pretending nor without doing anything as well.

*now a super typhoon is coming. what can i say?

walang masamang pagmamahal, tanging masamang relasyon...

hindi kailangan ikulong sa mga masasamyong anyo at katha ang bawat pagkatao upang sabihin na ikaw ay karapat-dapat.
walang kailangang manghinayang dahil bawat pagkilos ay pagsulong at hindi pag-atras.

hindi kailangang manahan sa naririnig, sinasabi, gingawa o sa inaasahan ang kabuuan ng kung sino ka.

ito ay nakabatay kung paano mo isasabuhay sa sarili ang ikagagaling ng lahat, at hindi ng sa iba.

07:54 ng gabi
ka-3 ng mayo, 2006
session road, baguio city